Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. I have a little announcement to make. Occasionally, people come on the show and at some point maybe they're being nice or maybe just sucking up to me, they say, "You should run for mayor." Here's a recent example, Paul Rieckhoff founder of the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America.

Paul Rieckhoff: "We need real leaders, real leaders that people trust and that have integrity. I'm going to start it today. The draft Brian Lehrer for mayor campaign. That's not a joke, Brian. I think people like you are needed in these times who really understand it and who can talk the talk, but also walk the walk."

Brian Lehrer: That was Paul Rieckhoff here recently and he said that's no joke and that's very flattering, but generally my response is no, I'm not in that business, I do this. Other people come on the show and maybe they don't like my questions so much, or don't like my style and they say, "You couldn't get elected dogcatcher." When that happens, it makes me feel very insulted and like I have something to prove, so I gave this a lot of thought. It's not like I don't have ideas on all the big issues that the current mayoral candidates are comparing plans on, housing and public health and social justice and mass transit and other things.

I'm even interested in the budget, which makes me enough of a wonk that I can be really boring at parties. Sometimes I share my ideas with people and they say, "You? You couldn't get elected dogcatcher," so today I have an announcement. I am declaring my candidacy for New York City dogcatcher. I'll show them. I can get elected dogcatcher, and listeners I'd like your support. I know your first question, what party am I running for dogcatcher? Well, I'll tell you. In my opinion, the Democratic and Republican candidates in this race are both corrupt.

I think both parties are in the pocket of big dog, the canine industrial complex, I call it, so I'm not running in a primary. I'm starting my own independent party that I'm calling the PPP, the Puppy Patriot Party. My platform is that dogs in this country, just like people, need to be patriotic if we're going to welcome them into American society. It's the Puppy Patriot Party, the PPP. We don't need any dogs that hate America, taking our taxpayers' money for their dog food or their squeaky toys, whatever.

When I catch stray dogs as your next dog catcher, I'm going to test them for their loyalty to the United States. Listeners, do you like that idea and can I count on your support? One reason I'm running, there are too many foreign dog breeds in America right now, and they're destroying our country. They're bringing rabies, they're biting people, they're bringing poop to our clean American streets. I assume some of them are good canines, but the pet shops and dog pounds are not sending their best, so I'm proposing that we build a wall around our city, a dog-level wall. It doesn't have to be as high as the wall at the border, just three or four feet high, to keep the illegal foreign dogs out of New York.

For example, we don't need German Shepherds in the United States, we fought Germany in World War II. Now we have to take their dogs. Biden's German Shepherd has now bit people two times since the inauguration. True story. The dog hates America is the only explanation and Biden just lets them enter the country into the White House, no less, from Germany. This German Shepherd.

What about Afghans? We're at war in Afghanistan right now. We don't know if Afghan Hounds and such are going to be loyal to America. Australian Huskies, what's wrong with serving your own country's problems and just staying down under there? You get the idea. We'll open the phones now because as part of announcing my candidacy for New York City dogcatcher, I'm launching a listening tour. That's what candidates do. I'm launching it right here on the show right now, so call in with your thoughts about these issues. Maybe for some of you, it will be a dog whistle. We've definitely gotten those calls before.

This time, tell me what you would like from the next New York City dogcatcher, 646-435-7280. Here are a few possible policies. Tell me what you think at 646-435-7280. Number one, should we test stray dogs for their loyalty to the United States and deport them if they don't pass the test? I think we should, but I want to know what you think, 646-435-7280. Number two related, should we enact a policy of no more foreign dogs in the White House? You know Biden's German Shepherd as I said, bit two people, one just the other day. True story. I say, that's all we need to know about foreign dog breeds. Should we enact a policy of no more foreign dogs, at least in the White House? 646-435-7280.

I'd say Biden can keep his vicious German Shepherd, but after that, no more foreign dogs in the White House. Do you support that platform? Number three, should we keep the leash laws? The Puppy Patriot Party believes in freedom, like all good patriot parties. Should we liberate the dogs from their leashes? 646-435-7280. We almost liberated Michigan, should we liberate the dogs? Finally, should we stop vaccinating dogs in this country? All these dogs, when they're puppies, just puppies, you know how they all have to get vaccinated? They'll get their shots.

Maybe we should make the vaccines voluntary. Like we're seeing they are with people for the COVID vaccine, 41% of Republican men in a survey I saw say they do not plan to get the COVID shots. How do we know about informed consent in tiny little puppies? They're too young. Should we at least wait until they're three years old? That's 21 in human years, the age of consent. Should we enact that policy if you elect me the New York City dogcatcher? Anyway, puppies, can't give informed consent for their vaccine so should we stop vaccinating dogs or at least wait until they're the equivalent of 21 in human years? 646-435-7280.

Call in with your answers to those listening to our survey questions, and I hope I can count on your support in my run for New York City dogcatcher, 646-435-7280. People say I couldn't get elected dogcatcher, I'll show them. Melanie in Queens you're on WNYC. Hi Melanie.

Melanie: Hello, Good morning to you, Mr. Lehrer. I definitely endorse you so far, this candidacy for the simple fact that I do understand what you're saying and I do think about Mr. George Orwell, The Animal Farm. We have a lot of dogs running loose here and I do get it. I just wanted to know that if you ever wanted an assistant [chuckles] to help you, I'm the first one.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you very much. That's twice today, you've called in to offer your assistance. Dave in Central Jersey, you're on WNYC. Hi Dave.

Dave: Hello?

Brian Lehrer: Hi Dave. You're on, go ahead.

Dave: I just wanted to know what you're going to be doing for the marginalized dog breeds in the city. Obviously, I think particularly the Wiener dogs have been marginalized as a manifestation of patriarchy, and I just don't think that these issues get enough attention in our discourse.

Brian Lehrer: I know what you mean. What I think about is the foxhounds. Part of my platform is to make the American Foxhound the official dog of the United States. I hope this addresses your concern Dave. I know people who are real foxhounds and they all love this country. I'm sure many of you know people who are foxhounds too, you probably go to Thanksgiving with some foxhounds from your family in normal times, so foxhounds unite marginalized dog, to be sure and make the American Foxhound the official dog of the United States as you're making me the next New York City dogcatcher.

I'll enact that platform. People say I couldn't get elected dogcatcher, I am out to prove them wrong. Joseph in Elmwood Park, you're on WNYC. Hi Joseph.

Joseph: How are you doing Brian? I'm a long-time listener and a first-time caller. I just wanted to say that I fully support you in your candidacy. Although I was the president of a Democratic club, I've decided that I'm going to switch and become a member of the PPP. I think that you're going to do a great job. I just want to make sure that even though vaccines are a big issue these days, I think you need to still keep in mind that it's important to keep some animals safe from other animals, as you know wolves are the original dog so I'd like to see you also throw some support to the OG hounds if you have any time.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you very much. I might have to run for wolf catcher as my next step up, if this works out. Steve in Park Slope, you're on WNYC. Hi Steve.

Steve: Hey Brian. I think your running for dogcatcher is brilliant and considering the day that you're announcing it, it's also brilliant. We go back to our two-way communication days when you hosted a show on WNYC where you could see us, we could see you and I'm a longtime listener. I've got a couple of slogans for you. You could say-- one would be "Oh poop." Another one would be "Be aware of the dog," "Dogs unite," "Putting out the dog," "Don't bark at me" and "Speak!"

Brian Lehrer: There you go. I like it.

Steve: Maybe even "We're going to the dogs."

Brian Lehrer: [chuckles] I think you could have stopped at the first one. I'm going to adopt, "Oh, poop" as my campaign slogan. We're going to make the bumper stickers, the whole thing. Steve, thank you very much. Steve gave it away, as if you all didn't know. Obama said people wondered if I would run for dog-catcher as a Democrat or Republican and he said, really, I should run as a joke. Guess what? If you didn't get it, this has been a joke. April Fools'. There is no such elected position as New York City dog-catcher so yes, that was an April Fools' segment.

Did I get you? We figured the only way to cap that off is to talk for the last five minutes of the program or so to the only person in America currently serving in real life as an elected dog-catcher, although after she was elected, since politics will make an issue out of anything, I gather they abolished the elected position and appointed her to the job in the town of Duxbury, Vermont. Population, probably less than your local square block of Manhattan apartment buildings.

Duxbury is in Central Vermont, near Waterbury, where many of you have probably visited the Ben and Jerry's plant for a tour and a free sample and see the sign that says, "Many are cold, but few are frozen." Anyway, with us for the last few minutes of the show is Andrea McMahon elected as dog-catcher, but now officially the Animal Control Officer in Duxbury, Vermont. Andy, thanks for giving us a few minutes. Welcome to WNYC.

Andrea McMahon: Hey Brian, great to chat with you. I hope you enjoy your new profession. I should also let you know I do own Siberian Huskies and Pembroke and Cardigan Welsh Corgis, but they're all here legally and they are patriotic.

Brian Lehrer: Wow. I'm glad if-- as long as you've tested them for their patriotism, their loyalty to this country. Duxbury was the only place in America until recently that had an elected dog-catcher. Why did they have it, and why did they abolish it?

Andrea McMahon: We held elections just because we did not know better, I suppose, and then after a national segment on the news about an elected dog-catcher several years ago, we were informed by the Vermont League of cities and towns that that is not the legislative way to have a dog-catcher. You need to appoint them, so we no longer hold elections.

Brian Lehrer: What does the dog-catcher, excuse me, animal control officer actually do most of the time?

Andrea McMahon: I drink a lot of coffee, I pick up a lot of poop. I do have a full-time job running a boarding and grooming kennel, but I'm on call all the time, just in case there's an animal issue in town.

Brian Lehrer: I saw the Vermont public radio article from a few years ago about your predecessor. The previous only elected dog-catcher in America is Zebulon Towne who said-- and of course, his name was Zebulon Towne, I don't know the guy, but--

Andrea McMahon: He's a good guy.

Brian Lehrer: He said the calls he got ran the gamut from "There's an ermine on my porch" to "There are these beef cows running through the woods." What's one of the more unusual ones that you've had to deal with?

Andrea McMahon: I think the biggest one that was strange and hard, I had to catch and remove a flock of about 30 feral Muscovy ducks in a burdock-infested area.

Brian Lehrer: Wow. Is it mostly dogs though?

Andrea McMahon: Mostly dogs, but I have to say, it's not the dog-- I wish it was just dogs. It's the humans. They're tough, and they bite.

Brian Lehrer: Yes, they do. I've seen a few. If Biden's dog, who's now bitten people twice since the inauguration entered the town, would there be a warrant out for his arrest or anything?

Andrea McMahon: All dog people are sad about this, but of course not. My thought is a long vacation and the Green Mountain State might be just what he needs.

Brian Lehrer: Maybe. I was thinking since it's a German Shepherd, they might have to change the name of the breed to Volts-bitten because it gives you-- it's a shock when you get bitten. Volts-bitten, people are changing their name-- People with German heritage are changing their names to that this week.

Andrea McMahon: [chuckles]

Brian Lehrer: Some people will get that, a lot of people won't. Before they changed the name to Animal Control Officer, how often did you have to put up with some kind of joke about, "You couldn't get elected dog-catcher?"

Andrea McMahon: Yes, all the time and it's pretty funny, doesn't everybody want to be a dog-catcher? It's politically correct now to be called an Animal Control Officer, but we're still catching dogs.

Brian Lehrer: You know what? I think I have a non-April Fools' caller question for you. Craig in Westchester, you're on WNYC. Hi Craig.

Craig: Thank you so much, Brian. I think it's wonderful that you have your guest on today to support you. I did want to mention that on a personal basis, my dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I finally had to take away his bike.

Andrea McMahon: [chuckles]

Craig: I just wanted to share that with you and--

Brian Lehrer: Should I fold that into my platform? Because we could abolish the city bike dog program. Yes, I guess we'll have to do that. Okay, Craig was in on the joke. I thought he was actually going to ask you a serious question. Thanks for being a good sport and bringing a little reality to our April Fools' fake news segment. Is the town doing anything public this weekend for Easter? We have 10 seconds.

Andrea McMahon: Yes, the whole town of about 1300 people right now, we're just more concerned with how to get up and down our roads, which are mud bogs and potholes and we're shoveling snow still.

Brian Lehrer: It's that time of year. Andrea McMahon, elected dog-catcher, but now they call it Animal Control Officer in Duxbury, Vermont. She was the only elected dog-catcher left in America, thank you very much.

Andrea McMahon: Thank you. Have a great day.

 

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